1:04 am][ emotionally unavailable.

Ihave gotten so comfortable with being alone that love has become the most distant of my thoughts.  I can literally count on one hand how many times that I think about love within a full day.  Part of me is relieved and overjoyed beyond belief.  I finally freed myself of the humiliating obsession that brought most of my past experiences to their collapse.

But as my obsession collapsed, so did an essential part of who I was.  My emotional taste buds became desensitized.  I stopped responding to love.  Maybe it was the events that led to the collapse that left me numb.  Maybe it was “him.”  Or maybe it was just… natural…a natural reaction to having worn myself out on the chase.  I don’t date anymore.  I don’t feel romantic connections anymore.  That scares me…and that fear is the only attachment that I have to romantic love now.

At some point I sat down and weighed out my options – I could either fight this or accept it as my new truth.  Well…I decided that I didn’t care enough about this love thing anymore to fight for it in MY life.  But I could use my lessons to fight for it in other’s.  Why keep subjecting myself to disappointments and letdowns when it obviously wasn’t meant for me?  Obsessing over it’s absence in my life was only making things harder on me.  So I came to terms with my emotional unavailability.

The only additions to my life would be friendships.  So I made them.  But this past June, one of those friendships did something totally unexpected.  It made my heart beat.  Before I could gain control, I felt the familiar rhythmic sound of my feelings. His soul lit up every dry match in my body and I instantly felt internally illuminated.  Conversations…endless.  The ceilings must have grown earbuds to survive our time together.  We laughed…the best laughs.  We opened up – completely.  We found peace together.  And I exhaled with every conversation.  His presence removed my hearts “do not disturb” sign that had been hanging since “him.”  He quickly became my soul’s best friend.  And then we had the strength to end it.

Nosy Josie  JE2