Magic Man: Dating Your Imagination

How much time do you typically need to determine if someone you’re getting to know has the potential to be something more? Not to solidify if you want a relationship with them; just to establish if you want to explore the possibility of one.  A few weeks?  One month maybe?  One thing that I’ve come to realize over 10+ years of tragicomic dating, is that it doesn’t take long to know if you want to friend-zone someone or date them.

it doesn’t take long to know if you want to friend-zone someone or date them.

You may not know with certainty but you do have some idea pretty early on of the direction you would like to explore.

If anything, it takes longer for us to share our epiphany with that person once we’ve reached it.  I could never understand (or respect) that; stringing someone along for personal gain after having already had this epiphany.  Most of us are no stranger to heartbreak and we know the pain that comes with being kept on standby.  So why put someone else through it?

Why continue sending heart and kiss emoji’s, knowing that you aren’t really interested?  Why not put an end to the flirting and pet names to enlighten them on where you see your relationship headed?

I waited 4 years for a certain someone to figure out disclose his intentions with me.  How it ended? I was left in complete shock and humiliation after he walked down the aisle and exchanged wedding vows with another woman. To say I was hurt would be an understatement.  Needless to say, I decided it would probably be best if I shortened that four year grace period a bit. It needed to be long enough to figure out if we have something worth exploring and short enough to pull out unharmed if not.

Why are we so resistant to lose something that we have already decided not to invest in?

I don’t know about you but I could fill pages with all of the theories and possible answers to this question.  But there is one possibility in particular has been stuck in my mind as of late – uncertainty.

Do you know the simple definition of uncertainty?  It means not being completely confident or sure; having some doubt about something.  Sometimes we keep people around simply because we doubt our decision to let them go.  We like them.  Heck,  we may be crazy about them.  But they don’t quite fit the image of the ideal man or woman that we’ve subconsciously committed to.

They aren’t as financially stable as we would like them to be.  They aren’t as chivalrous as we had hoped.  They don’t like to go out as much as us.  They go out too much.  They have an unpretty past.  They don’t dress sexy enough.  They dress too sexy.  They don’t workout as much as you.  They’ve been married before.  They post too much on Facebook.  They don’t post enough on Facebook.  The list goes on…

So we hesitate; keeping their position “tentative until further notice” while disregarding the cost of their emotional investment.  All because we’re holding out for something better.  How is it that we’ve become infatuated with not settling for anything less than a figment of our imagination?

There’s nothing wrong with having standards.  Or with being alone while you wait for someone who meets them.  But sometimes we become so fixated on waiting for this magic image to materialize that we talk ourselves out of offering any sort of commitment to anyone.  As a kid, I was infatuated with romance novels.  There was no doubt in my mind that soon after finishing the latest love story, one of my own would materialize before my very eyes.  With each read, images of chivalry and romanticism would invade my mind as my imagination worked to create the perfect man.  

He was confident but not full of himself.  A deep thinker who didn’t over-rationalize.  A tenacious leader who willingly submitted and surrendered to love – among a million other things.  At 15, I could spot this magic man with my eyes closed.  Now that I’m 30, I can’t spot this man with my eyes open.

But Omar Tyre and Danielle Steele didn’t prepare me for the possibility of my perfect man not existing.  So I dove into the dating pool with filtered binoculars; quickly dismissing any possibilities that didn’t meet my magic man criteria.

We have to start leaving room for individuality, differences and flaws.  

Our feet hit the pavement so hard when someone reveals their flaws that we end up missing all of the things which make them so unique and amazing!  Great things don’t always come ready made and compliant.  I’m convinced that if we weren’t looking for quick and perfect results, many of us would have already found happiness with someone by now.

Please don’t go digging through your old text and Facebook messages for potential suitors that you’ve overlooked.   Just consider not throwing in the towel with each other (and in life) so soon.  Our job changes our performance metrics and we’re ready to put in our 2 weeks.  Our best friend stops checking in on us for a few days and we start rejecting her calls.  Our cousin doesn’t come through for us and we disown them for the month.  Anything or anyone that falls short of our expectations is often at risk for getting written off.

A friend of mine inspired this article when saying these words to me:

I first dated my partner for the person that I wanted him to be and not the person that he actually was. This led me down many mistaken paths because I developed expectations from a man that was never  the person I made him out to be. I had to reevaluate the “Magic Man” that I made up in my head, and begin dating my partner for who he actually was. I like him more now!

What if we allowed ourselves to fall in love with a personality that wasn’t in our original plan?  What if we tried sticking around a little longer instead of letting our feet hit the pavement for the thousandth time?

How do you feel about abandoning your magic man or woman?

  Nosy Josie