Unapologetically Unavailable

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You want to know the fastest way to piss off a single woman in her time of need?  Give her this piece of advice: “you should take a break from dating and just focus on you.”

It never fails.  You can have the most unique dating dilemma of all time and still you’ll receive this same blanketed advice offered to you from the last dilemma.  And each time, you’re caught completely off guard.  Here you are expecting customized feedback to the hour long saga you just provided and instead you’re left wondering if they were even paying attention.

I could never understand how any betrayal or wrongdoing on his behalf indicated a lack of self-focus on my part.  Pumping the breaks on dating because of a fallout with some guy?  That just seemed a little extreme if you asked me.  Not to mention an admission of guilt or fault on my behalf.  Why should I be the one to stop dating when he’s obviously the one bad at it?  We’re never to blame, of course.

Venting to people about your dating woes could arguably be the most frustrating part of single life.

The truth is that many of us who are single already feel as if we spend enough time alone.  The one date that we might have every few months hardly constitutes as dating in our book, so there’s not much of a dating life to take a break from. Any more of a break and our dating lives might as well be non-existent…and if we’re being honest, how many of us really want that?

So instead, we go on date after date after date.  Subjecting ourselves to repeated, unfulfilling encounters only to come up disappointed time and time again; still considering ourselves alone because once the date has ended, that’s often how we feel.  But there is a BIG difference between loneliness and being alone.  Simply put, doing things alone because you feel you have to, is not the same as doing things alone because you want to.

Doing things alone because you feel you have to, is not the same as doing things alone because you want to.

It’s the difference between choosing a break and being subjected to one; between fearing nights alone and welcoming them or between taking yourself out on a date and waiting around for one.

When you unapologically date yourself, you reduce your odds of settling.  Why?  Because your own presence starts to become satisfactory enough.  Instead of searching for void fillers, you learn to make yourself available for you.  When you date yourself, you learn who you really are and what type of partner you truly need desire.  Not to mention…

What does your soulmate wishlist look like right now?  Is it a 50/50 list where both you and your mate each bring your own half to the table? Or a 100/100 list where you each bring your whole self to the table?  Your wishlist should paint a picture of someone who enhances or compliments you; not someone who completes you.  It shouldn’t be flooded with traits that you’re struggling to manifest in your own life.  When you spend time with yourself, you can focus on filling your own gaps instead of searching for someone to do it for you.  Nailah Shami of Better for That shared a great soulmate wishlist that reflects a man who understands, accepts, supports and cherishes her rather than one who creates her.

For someone to love us unconditionally, we first have to learn to love ourselves unconditionally – flaws and all!  Not everything about you will be perfect.  And the more time you spend dating yourself, the more forgiving and appreciative, even that you’ll become of your imperfections.

“it is this quality alone that allows someone to truly see and enjoy the other human beings around them.” – Pam Boyd of Two-Minute Tune-Up

I don’t know about you but the only thing more attractive in my eyes than someone who can embrace their own imperfections is someone who can also embrace the imperfections of others.  Which brings us to #3…

Many of us hate when people try to change us but are quick to suggest tweaking someone else’s personality when dating them; encouraging them to step up their career goals or to develop “better” hobbies.  Or attempting to create what we consider to be a better version of them, even when they are fully content with who they are.  

“We create so much pain for ourselves when we decide how we need someone to be.” – Jamie of Rise with Jamie

Jamie raised so many good points about this in her article Sorry, But It Is You Not Me.  While waiting on someone to reveal their flaws, you end up missing all of the things that make them so unique and amazing!  Dating yourself allows you to develop an unconditional love for yourself that transcends into the lives of others; one that allows you to accept people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.

Every one of us has a purpose way beyond who we cuddle up to at night.  How we go about discovering that purpose might be different, but we all have one nonetheless.  What does a successful you look like and what will motivate you to be that?  Dating yourself allows you to take all of the energy you would typically expend in learning someone else, and put it toward learning yourself and making your own impact in the world.  Nikki Believes inspired her readers to consider why they do the things that they do in her article Finding Out Your Why.

Imagine being at a place in your life where your sanity and happiness mean more to you than dinner and a movie.  A place where you know your worth; where you value yourself more than you value companionship.  When you date yourself, you’ll find yourself more selective of who you let into your space.  You’re less eager to find SOMEone and more eager to welcome THE one.  And the next time someone asks why you’re single, your answer might resemble something more intentional, like this:

Because I have not found a man remarkable enough to share my life with right now. Because I don’t want to settle for anything less than what I really want. Because I do well by myself and the longer that is true, the easier it is to hold out.  Make no mistake, I want Mr. Right, but I don’t need him. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he has to be perfect for me. – Nshami of Better for That

How many times have you projected your insecurities on the person you’re dating?  Convinced that they hate a certain quality about you because you hate that quality about yourself.  Can you imagine how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t even believe they are lovable?!

I had trouble believing my partner loved me because I haven’t learned to fully love myself. So, I took all of the ugly feelings I had toward myself and threw them at my partner. – Jamie in Fully Showing Up – are you?

When you look to others for happiness rather than creating happiness for yourself, you could end up emotionally abusing or chasing away the very person that you’ve been waiting for.

Being single doesn’t have to entail you sitting in a room alone, wishing you had someone to share your life with. Tunisia Jolyn said it best when she counted the ways that we can spread love on Valentine’s Day.

“Love is never confined to just the romantics.  Love is all encompassing from family to friend to mate.  You do not have to be “booed” up to spread love during this time!  You can be SO single and SO in love with life.” – Tunisia Jolyn

Bottom line…being in your own company won’t seem so bad once you learn to enjoy it.  Dating yourself allows you to explore all of the ways that you can give and receive love with no strings attached.

When you unapologetically date yourself, your perspective on life and dating changes drastically.  And if you allow it, your lifestyle and dating habits should do the same.  You might not get the outcome you’re currently hoping for, but chances are you’ll be much more at peace with yourself either way.

Taking a dating break is not the same as committing to a life of solitude, no matter how much it may feel that way.  Truthfully, it might even be the one thing that prevents it!

But what about you?  Have you ever taken a break from dating to focus on you? 

Sources and other media: Two-Minute Tune-UpBetter for ThatTunisia Jolyn, Rise With Jamie,  Nikki Believes

 Nosy Josie

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

41 Comments on Unapologetically Unavailable

  1. First, thanks so much for the shout out! Even though Steve and I are a long term relationship, there were definitely a lot of growing up, and in “search” of me phases. So, I do believe finding you is major key.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I currently am taking a break from dating because I feel I need to work on myself. Well, I know I need to work on myself. I’m such a negative Nancy when it comes to myself. And I need to work on that. I don’t love myself enough which then translates to him not loving me because I’m not perfect. Thus, the date ends before it starts.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You hit the nail right on the head. Sometimes the date ends before it even begins, all because we can’t see what other people see. We are truly our worst critics! I’ve had guys tell me many times that they weren’t turned off by certain things until I repeatedly brought it to their attention. Isn’t that something? I’m over here stirring the pot without realizing it! I follow your blog and I think that you are an amazing woman, who is fiercely chasing your dreams. If you forget how amazing you are, come ask us ;)

      Liked by 3 people

  3. OH. MY. GAWD I looooooove this and AMEN. Love the line doing something alone because you have to vs WANT to! All this yes! It does change as we get older and more comfortable within our own imperfections! I’m reposting this!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am personally taking a break from dating right now. But it doesn’t have to do with focusing on myself so much as I am just so drained from dating. It’s so exhausting and I’m honestly over it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s the worst and I read your latest article so I know exactly how you’re feeling. Dating is supposed to be fun and enrich your life – not stress you out (which is rarely the case with me lol). Once it starts becoming a drain, you gotta press the pause button and allow yourself to regroup. Funny thing is that even though you say its not about focusing on you, technically you are doing exactly that by choosing to put yourself before a monotonous act that is wearing you out. You’re already focusing on you, see :) Now all you need is a date night!

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s very true…I think I need to start your Tuesday night with myself tradition.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think you would have a blast. Use Groupon for ideas! I’m expanding lolol. I missed my date night 2 weeks straight because of work and I’ve been stressing so hard. I think today I’m going to take myself shopping with a 3 item limit. That’ll be challenging and make every item feel special. Maybe I’ll get something to make me feel sexy ;)

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes! Yes to ALL of this. Especially felt #5

    Also, I haven’t taken a break from dating.. dating has taken a break from me! haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lol I’m alone 95% of the time, and honestly, I enjoy those moments more than having company…Is it weird that I can make myself laugh more than anyone else?….either way, very lovely advice :)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. WOW!!! LOVE IT!!!! KEEP IT UP!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. KEEP IT UP DIRTY!! (in my St Louis voice) :)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I feel like you’ve been reading my journal! This is everything I have been saying for a while. #5 and #6 Yes! a million times Yes! I have recently started making time for myself and I believe when the time comes Mr. right will come along! NO worries…finding my why! Thank you Queen for directing me to this post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome! I almost jumped out of the bed when I read yours because we were on the same track lol. Keep focusing on you. You will make better use of your time and efforts than anyone else


  10. This is a really great post! I love a lot of those quotes above and honestly it is so true. You have to be comfortable and love self first God knows! I learned that the hard way when in college, I thought I had already loved myself until I found myself looking for validation in my boyfriend at the time which eventually turned into an emotionally abusive relationship…but that is a whole nother story. Truth is getting to know yourself and what you like and don’t like about self helps so much when finding good friends and potential husband or wife. I am married now but sometimes even know I have to take time out for me as we are always changing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly. I think there’s a certain peace with yourself that you feel when you learn to love youself – like a weight lifted off you. Sometimes I still feel lonely though and I have this really rough moments. Was it like that for you? And I’m glad to know you still take time out for self even though you’re married – I was hoping to do the same if I ever find someone lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes it’s so true it does feel like a weight but to me like any relationship loving yourself is an everyday process. I know about the rough moments sis and lonely times too..those times helped me to lean on God more because you begin questioning so much about self and life but God is so faithful. Taking time for self when married is something I want to say that this year I have been doing more of more than ever and that too plays a strong part with self love because because even though I like to “stalk” my husband sometimes and be up under him sometimes that alone time doing something for self is just so refreshing and good and I think we all need that from time to time. I believe that when your king finds you, you will totally do the same. xo!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well THAT is motivating, to say the least lol. I just published an article called 26 Ways to Rock Solo Date Night! Maybe you can find some new ideas for your alone time :* Love ya!

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Yes girl! I found myself saying “mmhmm” repeatedly while reading this haha but seriously I really appreciated this article. You definitely touched on some important topics that everyone needs to hear. I have (and continue to) discovered this over the past few years. Someone asked me the other day how my love life is and my response was “great!” They were confused when I told them I am still single and not currently dating, but it’s not really for them to understand. I am in a great place and I am so unapologetically happy about my relationship status. At the same time, I am also excited for what’s to come in the future. Anyways, I loved this! Thanks for sharing :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Im so happy you loved it and most importantly that you could RELATE!! To hear other women who have walked this journey tell me the they agree, makes me feel like I’m going down the right direction. Because this is all new to me, you know? I love that this process of self discovery is ongoing too- the one never ending thing in life that doesn’t stress me out lol. Even though you’re happy with your relationship status, do you ever feel lonely still? If so, how do you combat that?


  12. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Great blog!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Re read this post and loved it again! Sidenote here is an article I read this past weekend and fell in love with! I think you’ll appreciate it as well: http://www.candicebenbow.com/blog/singleblackwomen


  14. C.L. Vaughan // March 26, 2018 at 2:32 pm // Reply

    I just reread this while sitting in this boring ass meeting, and I still dig it lol…


  15. Christopher Wade // February 16, 2020 at 5:51 pm // Reply

    Thank you Josie! After talking to you and reading the article I got an epiphany and I sincerely thank you. Your article helped me remember myself and I will begin dating myself. After everything from reading and what we discussed you helped me so much. I send you a virtual hug.


  16. Christopher Wade // February 16, 2020 at 5:52 pm // Reply

    Thank you Josie! After talking to you and reading the article I got an epiphany and I sincerely thank you. Your article helped me remember myself and I will begin dating myself. After everything from reading and what we discussed you helped me so much. I send you a virtual hug.


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