Unapologetically Unavailable

You want to know the fastest way to piss off a single woman in her time of need?  Give her this piece of advice: “you should take a break from dating and just focus on you.”

It never fails.  You can have the most unique dating dilemma of all time and still you’ll receive this same blanketed advice offered to you from the last dilemma.  And each time, you’re caught completely off guard.  Here you are expecting customized feedback to the hour long saga you just provided and instead you’re left wondering if they were even paying attention.

I could never understand how any betrayal or wrongdoing on his behalf indicated a lack of self-focus on my part.  Pumping the breaks on dating because of a fallout with some guy?  That just seemed a little extreme if you asked me.  Not to mention an admission of guilt or fault on my behalf.  Why should I be the one to stop dating when he’s obviously the one bad at it?  We’re never to blame, of course.

Venting to people about your dating woes could arguably be the most frustrating part of single life.

The truth is that many of us who are single already feel as if we spend enough time alone.  The one date that we might have every few months hardly constitutes as dating in our book, so there’s not much of a dating life to take a break from. Any more of a break and our dating lives might as well be non-existent…and if we’re being honest, how many of us really want that?

So instead, we go on date after date after date.  Subjecting ourselves to repeated, unfulfilling encounters only to come up disappointed time and time again; still considering ourselves alone because once the date has ended, that’s often how we feel.  But there is a BIG difference between loneliness and being alone.  Simply put, doing things alone because you feel you have to, is not the same as doing things alone because you want to.

Doing things alone because you feel you have to, is not the same as doing things alone because you want to.

It’s the difference between choosing a break and being subjected to one; between fearing nights alone and welcoming them or between taking yourself out on a date and waiting around for one.

When you unapologically date yourself, you reduce your odds of settling.  Why?  Because your own presence starts to become satisfactory enough.  Instead of searching for void fillers, you learn to make yourself available for you.  When you date yourself, you learn who you really are and what type of partner you truly need desire.  Not to mention…

1YOUR “MATE WISHLIST” CHANGES QUITE A BIT.
What does your soulmate wishlist look like right now?  Is it a 50/50 list where both you and your mate each bring your own half to the table? Or a 100/100 list where you each bring your whole self to the table?  Your wishlist should paint a picture of someone who enhances or compliments you; not someone who completes you.  It shouldn’t be flooded with traits that you’re struggling to manifest in your own life.  When you spend time with yourself, you can focus on filling your own gaps instead of searching for someone to do it for you.  Nailah Shami of Better for That shared a great soulmate wishlist that reflects a man who understands, accepts, supports and cherishes her rather than one who creates her.

2YOU BECOME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR IMPERFECTIONS.
For someone to love us unconditionally, we first have to learn to love ourselves unconditionally – flaws and all!  Not everything about you will be perfect.  And the more time you spend dating yourself, the more forgiving and appreciative, even that you’ll become of your imperfections.

“it is this quality alone that allows someone to truly see and enjoy the other human beings around them.” – Pam Boyd of Two-Minute Tune-Up

I don’t know about you but the only thing more attractive in my eyes than someone who can embrace their own imperfections is someone who can also embrace the imperfections of others.  Which brings us to #3…

3YOU CAN BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH THE IMPERFECTION OF OTHERS.
Many of us hate when people try to change us but are quick to suggest tweaking someone else’s personality when dating them; encouraging them to step up their career goals or to develop “better” hobbies.  Or attempting to create what we consider to be a better version of them, even when they are fully content with who they are.  

“We create so much pain for ourselves when we decide how we need someone to be.” – Jamie of Rise with Jamie

Jamie raised so many good points about this in her article Sorry, But It Is You Not Me.  While waiting on someone to reveal their flaws, you end up missing all of the things that make them so unique and amazing!  Dating yourself allows you to develop an unconditional love for yourself that transcends into the lives of others; one that allows you to accept people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.

4YOU CAN FOCUS MORE ON DISCOVERING YOUR PURPOSE.
Every one of us has a purpose way beyond who we cuddle up to at night.  How we go about discovering that purpose might be different, but we all have one nonetheless.  What does a successful you look like and what will motivate you to be that?  Dating yourself allows you to take all of the energy you would typically expend in learning someone else, and put it toward learning yourself and making your own impact in the world.  Nikki Believes inspired her readers to consider why they do the things that they do in her article Finding Out Your Why.

5YOU’LL FIND YOURSELF NO LONGER “NEEDING” MR(S) RIGHT.
Imagine being at a place in your life where your sanity and happiness mean more to you than dinner and a movie.  A place where you know your worth; where you value yourself more than you value companionship.  When you date yourself, you’ll find yourself more selective of who you let into your space.  You’re less eager to find SOMEone and more eager to welcome THE one.  And the next time someone asks why you’re single, your answer might resemble something more intentional, like this:

Because I have not found a man remarkable enough to share my life with right now. Because I don’t want to settle for anything less than what I really want. Because I do well by myself and the longer that is true, the easier it is to hold out.  Make no mistake, I want Mr. Right, but I don’t need him. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he has to be perfect for me. – Nshami of Better for That

6YOU’LL STOP MAKING OTHER PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS.
How many times have you projected your insecurities on the person you’re dating?  Convinced that they hate a certain quality about you because you hate that quality about yourself.  Can you imagine how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t even believe they are lovable?!

I had trouble believing my partner loved me because I haven’t learned to fully love myself. So, I took all of the ugly feelings I had toward myself and threw them at my partner. – Jamie in Fully Showing Up – are you?

When you look to others for happiness rather than creating happiness for yourself, you could end up emotionally abusing or chasing away the very person that you’ve been waiting for.

7YOUR OUTLOOK ON LOVE CHANGES.
Being single doesn’t have to entail you sitting in a room alone, wishing you had someone to share your life with. Tunisia Jolyn said it best when she counted the ways that we can spread love on Valentine’s Day.

“Love is never confined to just the romantics.  Love is all encompassing from family to friend to mate.  You do not have to be “booed” up to spread love during this time!  You can be SO single and SO in love with life.” – Tunisia Jolyn

Bottom line…being in your own company won’t seem so bad once you learn to enjoy it.  Dating yourself allows you to explore all of the ways that you can give and receive love with no strings attached.

When you unapologetically date yourself, your perspective on life and dating changes drastically.  And if you allow it, your lifestyle and dating habits should do the same.  You might not get the outcome you’re currently hoping for, but chances are you’ll be much more at peace with yourself either way.

Taking a dating break is not the same as committing to a life of solitude, no matter how much it may feel that way.  Truthfully, it might even be the one thing that prevents it!