11:33 pm ][ was it real.

You know the phrase…”if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around, does it still make a sound?”  I’m wondering… does that apply to love?  If you fall in love with someone and they weren’t there with you was it really love?

I saw my friend yesterday.  He tried to convince me that nothing has changed between us. That although there’s been distance, his feelings are just as he left them.  Something tells me that isn’t the case.  And his feeble attempt at convincing me otherwise brought me no resolve.  If anything, it left me wondering if what we had was real to begin with or just a figment of my imagination.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.   Nor do I understand why it matters so much to me…especially considering how our friendship is off limits either way. And with Karma finally loosening her grip, the last thing I want is for her to question whether this was a lesson learned.

But after seeing my friend, the question seemed to haunt me…why was it so important for me to know that we weren’t an illusion?  I fell asleep at 11:33 pm, searching for an answer.  It wasn’t until I woke that everything made sense.  I want to believe that I’m capable of falling in love again.  And I want to believe that someone is capable of falling in love with me.  I want to believe that not every man who whispers “i love you” through soft kisses and pelvic thrusts will walk down the aisle 3 months later with someone else.  I want to believe that feelings can be mutual…that I’m capable of distinguishing between a reality and a delusion.

Because of “him,” I doubt.  I’ve grown so accustomed to questioning any man who claims to care for me, that I’ve failed to prepare myself for when one actually does.  And not because I question my worth – but rather if a man is truly capable of seeing it.  Our friendship has helped me see that I have another self-love journey to embark upon…unlearning emotionally unavailability.  I want to know with confidence…

“If you fall in love with someone and they weren’t there with you, was it really love?”

Nosy Josie  JE6

PS: Jessi’s replacements (it takes 2 to make 1 Jessi)