9:30pm ][ not too good for me.

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I saw one of my exes this week.  I don’t want to talk about why I reached out to him or what happened when we met up.  But what I will say is that I got exactly what I asked for.

Being around him always reminds me of my insecurities.  After all this time, I look into his eyes and can still feel the inadequacy.  I never thought I was good enough for him.  He was normal…everything about his life was normal.  I was, a chaotic mess…trying to figure out why I was worth loving.  While he was just looking for someone to compliment the person he already was.

The crazy thing is that he didn’t even realize how normal he was.  He thought he was “under construction” too.  Countless times he would try and reassure me that no one was asking me to be more than who I was.  But I didn’t understand that at the time.  I just…didn’t get it.  Every romantic experience I had encountered before him taught me that I wasn’t the amazing woman I wanted to believe I was (thank God for growth).

Its amazing how someone (an ex love or friend) can be out of your life physically, but ever-present spiritually.  All of those negative experiences…all of those negative words.  I had consumed so many throughout my lifetime that I eventually just started to recycle them on my own.  Even with these people no longer in my life, I chose to keep them and the pain they inflicted, relevant.  And they kept me from being with someone who saw the good in me.

Things will never been the same between me and my ex.  But I will never forget the way he saw my worth when I didn’t.

Update 10/3:  This may have had a much more sad tone than intended lol.  So let me add: Nothing bad happened when I saw my ex (quite the opposite in fact lol).  I love myself much more than I ever did when I was dating him.  Although like many of us, I still have some insecurities.  Seeing him just reminded me of all of those (old ones especially).  But I’m definitely in good spirits so don’t worry about me nosies lol!

Nosy Josie heart JE11

via Daily Prompt: Value

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

22 Comments on 9:30pm ][ not too good for me.

  1. Big hugs to you ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t put into words an comment dear. Funny enough I am listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade as I read this and the song “Sandcastles” is playing. So imma take from that…
    ‘scratch out the names of those causing you self-hurt’
    allow the sand of your past to wash the hell away
    promises don’t always work out

    And this one is from me… “You’re amazing chica.” And no, I’m not just saying that.
    Girl, I actually read your blog (I don’t read enough enuh, for someone who actually majored in Literature – LOL)
    I can’t tell you that with time it’ll pass, cuz that shit is cliched beyond belief. I can tell you that I sympathize with you completely, though I don’t know how you feel and I would never tell that lie. Ever.
    Listen to “Kitchen Sink” by 21 Pilots.

    #Let your thoughts run amok Chica. Let them find you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am really glad you added that update. I was getting sad for you while reading this. Glad that it wasn’t a bad experience meeting up with your ex.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad I read this post after your update. LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Eboni Katrice // October 4, 2016 at 9:29 am // Reply

    Man, I can relate! I have ONE ex that does that to me. He reminds me of the woman I was at 25 when I fell in love with him. I am so much stronger now but I hate that nagging feeling I get when we cross paths

    Liked by 1 person

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