9:30pm ][ not too good for me.

I saw one of my exes this week.  I don’t want to talk about why I reached out to him or what happened when we met up.  But what I will say is that I got exactly what I asked for.

Being around him always reminds me of my insecurities.  After all this time, I look into his eyes and can still feel the inadequacy.  I never thought I was good enough for him.  He was normal…everything about his life was normal.  I was, a chaotic mess…trying to figure out why I was worth loving.  While he was just looking for someone to compliment the person he already was.

The crazy thing is that he didn’t even realize how normal he was.  He thought he was “under construction” too.  Countless times he would try and reassure me that no one was asking me to be more than who I was.  But I didn’t understand that at the time.  I just…didn’t get it.  Every romantic experience I had encountered before him taught me that I wasn’t the amazing woman I wanted to believe I was (thank God for growth).

Its amazing how someone (an ex love or friend) can be out of your life physically, but ever-present spiritually.  All of those negative experiences…all of those negative words.  I had consumed so many throughout my lifetime that I eventually just started to recycle them on my own.  Even with these people no longer in my life, I chose to keep them and the pain they inflicted, relevant.  And they kept me from being with someone who saw the good in me.

Things will never been the same between me and my ex.  But I will never forget the way he saw my worth when I didn’t.

Update 10/3:  This may have had a much more sad tone than intended lol.  So let me add: Nothing bad happened when I saw my ex (quite the opposite in fact lol).  I love myself much more than I ever did when I was dating him.  Although like many of us, I still have some insecurities.  Seeing him just reminded me of all of those (old ones especially).  But I’m definitely in good spirits so don’t worry about me nosies lol!

Nosy Josie  JE11

via Daily Prompt: Value