It feels like its been forever since I’ve seen this white space and blinking cursor. I hate that I’ve been so distant…but I’m not sure what else to be when feeling so uninspired. I’m not in a funk… quite the opposite actually. My spirits are high! In fact, I’ve released more laughter these past few weeks than I have for the majority of this year. I should be on cloud nine…
But I’m not.
I’m lonely (and disappointed). I’ve been missing companionship. So much so, that I’ve been forcing myself into meaningless interactions; hoping to satisfy this unexpected craving. I have been on date after date after date….had conversation after conversation after conversation. It amazes me…that in a world full of difference and individuality, that so many people are packaged the same. I’m bored. I’m bored with the phony interactions. I’m bored with the filter questions. I’m bored with the emotional detachment. I’m bored with the safety nets. Where is the realness? If I would have known that its existence would fade away in my late twenties, I would have embraced and cherished every schoolgirl crush from my teens.
I miss those late night phone calls that kept me groggy in my AM classes – drenched in playfulness and topped with substance. That laughter… that laughter was so good…
I miss actually learning about someone…their actual essence…not their work or relationship timeline. I miss them wanting to learn me back. Before we became psychics; foreseeing that “each other” can’t be trusted…we used to confess. I miss the confessions, the honesty, and the rawness. Hard to believe that there was once a time I didn’t fear being judged when sharing my truths. Before we felt a need to screen each other, we actually enjoyed each other. I miss all of that.
I don’t want to force myself into love. Nor do I want love to be a priority in my life. But I guess the desire for intimacy and human companionship is inevitable. But I will never settle for companionship that lacks a genuine, emotional connection. I would rather just keep “missing.”
Nosie Josie JE16