12:05 pm ][ i was home.

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Whenever I’m back in my hometown of St.Louis, I find myself smothered in emotion that I was sure no longer existed.  The smell of unforgettable memories infused with curious “what-if’s” always leaves my mouth watering and my mind wandering.

Up until last month’s visit, I was nearly content with my long-distance relationship with love.  I was starting to forget that such an archaic emotion still existed.  But as I drove down those all-too-familiar roads…as I saw those all-too-familiar faces…I could feel my shell breaking.  I was remembering.

Everywhere I turned was a reminder of the hopeful romantic that I used to be.  Malls where I gallivanted on playful, teenage double-dates.  Gazebos where we slow danced to Jodeci and Jon B from my portable boombox.  Bus stops where I tightly hugged old boyfriends goodbye.  Front yards, where young hearts were poured out to me, as I polished nappy heads with cornrolls and twisties.

In-between my legs sat not just young love but the promise of something greater.  I was so ready and eager to love.  And more certain that my adult years would offer an abundance of it.  To know it was that very eagerness which led me to such an unexpected place of solitude both frustrates and pains me.  If only I had learned earlier to give myself the very love which I had been so freely giving to others.

I can’t change the past.  I know that.  But with each visit back home, I feel haunted by it.  I don’t know if I’ll ever find room in my heart for someone new.  Or if someone will ever find it in theirs to love me gently.  But if neither is possible, I would rather not be reminded of the optimistic romantic I used to be.

Nosie Josie heart JE19

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

39 Comments on 12:05 pm ][ i was home.

  1. Tareau Barron // February 18, 2017 at 4:08 pm // Reply

    Great story. Home is always symbolic to love for some reason….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Tareau Barron // February 18, 2017 at 4:15 pm // Reply

    No I’ve never stayed further from 59 miles from San Francisco. I’m a widow so all my memories of love is here.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Enjoyed reading this. Just be patient (easier said than done, I know). I used to feel the same way when visiting former places I lived. Then I met a girl that I loved and married her. Those places are basically irrelevant now. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I believe that you will find love with someone who is your cup of tea, but it won’t happen the way you may anticipate. Great post. Stay optimistic.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Aww Jo. This piece was so relatable. It’s crazy how memories can play apart on how things use to be. The memories that we once shared with others. Especially if it was a memory that brought us happiness … its. hard. to. shake. *air hug*

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Good post!

    You said: “I don’t know if I’ll ever find room in my heart for someone new. Or if someone will ever find it in theirs to love me gently”. Understood. But what do you WANT to happen? In an ideal world, best case scenario, what do you want?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. ah…… I feel you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Home is where the heart is. :)

    You WILL find love again! How can you not??! And when it happens, your guy will be thanking his lucky stars he found you. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Well, it’s nice to habe memories of love in your hometown. I have NONE. It wasn’t until I left home that I was exposed to romantic love. Lol. 😅 But, girl, when you least expect it you and I will both be grabbed up, snatched up, lol..stay positive. ;-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • haha! I will definitely let the world know when that moment happens. None at all in your hometown?! I can count on one hand how many times I was exposed to romantic love when I left. :). Make sure you come back and let me know when you got snatched up and I’ll know my time might be coming lololol. You stay positive as well :D


  10. I love this. I always love your fighting and miss when you don’t post. I truly believe that you will find love again. And I think it’ll be the most amazing love you’ve ever experienced. I think the longer we have to wait for love, the better it is once we find it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • that sounds soooooo good lol :). I’m picturing my future lover now and I’m so excited. I’m going to speak him into existence! I’m so happy that you found someone. Your personality is way too dope to keep to yourself lol. Thank you for the kind words about my posts – means so much more right now than you know :)

      Liked by 1 person

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