1:04 am][ emotionally unavailable.

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Ihave gotten so comfortable with being alone that love has become the most distant of my thoughts.  I can literally count on one hand how many times that I think about love within a full day.  Part of me is relieved and overjoyed beyond belief.  I finally freed myself of the humiliating obsession that brought most of my past experiences to their collapse.

But as my obsession collapsed, so did an essential part of who I was.  My emotional taste buds became desensitized.  I stopped responding to love.  Maybe it was the events that led to the collapse that left me numb.  Maybe it was “him.”  Or maybe it was just… natural…a natural reaction to having worn myself out on the chase.  I don’t date anymore.  I don’t feel romantic connections anymore.  That scares me…and that fear is the only attachment that I have to romantic love now.

At some point I sat down and weighed out my options – I could either fight this or accept it as my new truth.  Well…I decided that I didn’t care enough about this love thing anymore to fight for it in MY life.  But I could use my lessons to fight for it in other’s.  Why keep subjecting myself to disappointments and letdowns when it obviously wasn’t meant for me?  Obsessing over it’s absence in my life was only making things harder on me.  So I came to terms with my emotional unavailability.

The only additions to my life would be friendships.  So I made them.  But this past June, one of those friendships did something totally unexpected.  It made my heart beat.  Before I could gain control, I felt the familiar rhythmic sound of my feelings. His soul lit up every dry match in my body and I instantly felt internally illuminated.  Conversations…endless.  The ceilings must have grown earbuds to survive our time together.  We laughed…the best laughs.  We opened up – completely.  We found peace together.  And I exhaled with every conversation.  His presence removed my hearts “do not disturb” sign that had been hanging since “him.”  He quickly became my soul’s best friend.  And then we had the strength to end it.

Nosy Josie heart JE2

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

26 Comments on 1:04 am][ emotionally unavailable.

  1. “…the ceiling must have grown earbuds…” *swoon*
    “…and then we had the strength to end it…” *i saw that coming from your title, but damn line hit me hard nonetheless*

    πŸ˜…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “he” is someone I would want to meet…I’d have a few words with him…

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I am loving this so much. I absolutely love your writing in general but there is something so raw and authentic about this new segment.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Lizzzzzz thank you! I feel like I can only write this openly after midnight though. It’s killing my sleep patterns lol. And I always wake up like “omg what did I do? Let me go delete it.” But then someone has already commented and I chill out. This is going to take some time before I’m totally comfortable, I see. But comments like yours and the others are helping a lot. So thank you Friend! πŸ˜„πŸ˜™

      Liked by 2 people

      • I am glad you don’t go through with deleting them. I am really enjoying these. There’s something so therapeutic about just writing your thoughts as they come instead of thinking it through beforehand.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Noooo! It sounded like it was something amazing… and could have grown into something even more amazing.

    This is a process. You’ll heal eventually.

    I’ve been there. Back in my 20s I was dating one particular guy, and one night during sex I felt the “in love” feelings. They scared me. I immediately retreated and ended things not long after. I was protecting myself by ending things first. I didn’t want to be in love. I didn’t want to love him. Funny thing is… it made sense to me way back then but I can’t comprehend it now.

    I’ve come a long way! Now I live each day like it’s the last and embrace each relationship for what it is and for as long as it lasts.

    Liked by 3 people

    • *Sigh* We always seem to learn lessons in love after the greatest opportunities have passed – you notice that? lol. Like…its great to know what we know NOW but how likely is it that we will have another opportunity just as great? I’m sure there will be “others” but there’s nothing like that original one. BUT moving forward, nonetheless (lol) you are right – it was amazing and I hope that the future lines our paths up once more but at the right time. And I’ve been noticing how you’re embracing these new relationships as they are and its so dope! I think you’re setting yourself up for immense success by not overthinking them. I can’t wait to see the outcome (although my heart still roots for TX). Side note – I miss my 20’s, don’t you? lol.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I think Texas is a lost cause. :( Your comment about my new “vision” for relationships made my day! I hope I am successful… but I think it mainly stems from my rather pessimistic theory of “relationships have a shelf-life” and to enjoy them when I have them. At least it’s making me live in the moment! We’ll see how this goes… it’s an experiment! LOL

        Yes, I sometimes miss my 20s! Everything was so easy back then. :)

        Like

  5. I love this. Definitely made me feel.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Eboni Katrice // August 24, 2016 at 11:50 am // Reply

    Whoa!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. tunisiajolyn84 // November 19, 2016 at 9:58 pm // Reply

    Love! “My emotional taste buds became desensitized.” Just love the way you wrote that. And I love the plot twist at the end of this. (Please reference my last recent comment on your blog. lol)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. lol! How ironic that your other comment was so relevant. I definitely agree that plot twists are needed. This once was hard at the time to accept but now that I’m much more aware of the intent of ALL parties involved…I’m happy it ended. I’ll leave it at that :/

    Like

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