4:18 am ][ lesson learned.

Follow on WordPress.com

I miss him…

When I closed the door to our friendship, I knew instantly that I would regret having ever opened it.  A manipulating womanizer like “him” would be easier to forget.  But my first true friendship with a man…this man…not so much.  I knew I would miss the way that he spoke life into my dreams…the way that he caressed my insecurities and kissed them with confidence.  I relinquished too much control of self and allowed someone else to navigate my emotions.

That was a mistake.

But intelligence and awareness don’t always allow us to control our urges.  I felt that I deserved our friendship…and I still do…but I knew that would come with a cost.

Last night, karma finally found its way to my doorstep and enduring it alone has been nothing short of a nightmare…literally.  My dreams and life in this short time have been overrun by visions of my worst fear – a fear that I laid rest to many years ago.  I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.  I can’t focus.  I’m praying for this nightmare to end.  But my prayers feel hypocritical.  Because both God and I know that I’m reaping what I sowed.

But worse than answering to God has been having to answer to myself…

After “him,” I made a decision to love myself completely.  And with that decision came a care-package of responsibility.  I took a vow to live up to a new set of expectations – to douse myself in unconditional love and self-respect.  In a world that owed me nothing, I finally understood that I owed myself everything.  I felt that I was owed this friendship.  So I took it…negating the most important parts of my vow.

But in learning to love yourself, you realize that unconditional love comes with forgiveness.  When I chose to love myself, I also chose to forgive myself.  My mirror conversation this morning will be different.  And afterwards, I will bury this memory along with our friendship. I consider this a lesson learned.

PS – Jessi didn’t make it :(

Nosy Josie heart JE4

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

17 Comments on 4:18 am ][ lesson learned.

  1. That was touching 😯. Such a nice post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A lot of people need to realize this lesson, that loving yourself is not being selfish…its a result of you realizing just how special you are…that way no-ones’ negative opinion of you will deter you, because you’ll know they are lost, since you already know where you stand…thank you for sharing…

    – My condolences about Jessie

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Eboni Katrice // August 26, 2016 at 9:02 am // Reply

    I love your writing! RIP Jessie!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That picture quote at the end was DEEP!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. 😩
    The lesson of self love and the pursuit of self happiness is a journey that few truly embark upon.
    Your words keep ringing close Josie.
    Hone your truth, that matters most. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was beautiful. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  7. wow… Had my downs in July… Now it’s a big change

    Liked by 1 person

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. 12:19 am ][ restarting my life. – mind JO business

speak your mind nosies...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: