4:18 am ][ lesson learned.

I miss him…

When I closed the door to our friendship, I knew instantly that I would regret having ever opened it.  A manipulating womanizer like “him” would be easier to forget.  But my first true friendship with a man…this man…not so much.  I knew I would miss the way that he spoke life into my dreams…the way that he caressed my insecurities and kissed them with confidence.  I relinquished too much control of self and allowed someone else to navigate my emotions.

That was a mistake.

But intelligence and awareness don’t always allow us to control our urges.  I felt that I deserved our friendship…and I still do…but I knew that would come with a cost.

Last night, karma finally found its way to my doorstep and enduring it alone has been nothing short of a nightmare…literally.  My dreams and life in this short time have been overrun by visions of my worst fear – a fear that I laid rest to many years ago.  I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.  I can’t focus.  I’m praying for this nightmare to end.  But my prayers feel hypocritical.  Because both God and I know that I’m reaping what I sowed.

But worse than answering to God has been having to answer to myself…

After “him,” I made a decision to love myself completely.  And with that decision came a care-package of responsibility.  I took a vow to live up to a new set of expectations – to douse myself in unconditional love and self-respect.  In a world that owed me nothing, I finally understood that I owed myself everything.  I felt that I was owed this friendship.  So I took it…negating the most important parts of my vow.

But in learning to love yourself, you realize that unconditional love comes with forgiveness.  When I chose to love myself, I also chose to forgive myself.  My mirror conversation this morning will be different.  And afterwards, I will bury this memory along with our friendship. I consider this a lesson learned.

PS – Jessi didn’t make it :(

Nosy Josie  JE4