12:19 am ][ restarting my life.

Every night for the past week, I’ve logged into WordPress for journaling…only to stare at a blank white screen and a blinking cursor.  With so much on my mind, I couldn’t understand why I was at such a loss for words.  I realize now that it wasn’t a loss of words I was experiencing but rather a loss of energy.  My mind had been racing all week and quite frankly, I was exhausted from my own thoughts.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something in my life would be changing soon.

But even still, I tried hard to ignore it.  It wasn’t until a string of bizarre and unpleasant events took over my week that I was forced to pay attention.

I was having dreams of my teeth falling out…crumbling (symbolic of inner collapsing, feeling old and as if you’re withering away in the wind).  Spiders kept finding their way inside of my car (a reminder that we weave our own web in life.  That if you’re unhappy with the reality you see before you, then its time to make changes). There was talk of my primary job coming to an end next year.  Some of my personal belongings and furniture was lost to Karma the week prior.  And I couldn’t stop fantasizing about the change that I wrote about on August 28.

I gave in and decided to put all of my energy into focusing on what life was trying to tell me.  It didn’t take long for me to figure it out.  Life was telling me to let go of something that I had been holding onto fiercely.  Security…the one thing that I’ve shaped my entire life around.

For years I have robbed myself of my time, my energy, my happiness, experiences, friendships, my dreams, my success…all in the name of financial security.  By giving everything I have to working two jobs, I’ve in turn given very little to myself.  Three nights out of the week, I get home at midnight.  I get six hours of sleep before having to wake for the next job.  I get one day off work each week…one day.  In that one day, I try unsuccessfully to fit in self care, home care, pet care, quality time with friends, personal goals and whatever else.  All because I’m afraid of losing my security.  But what is it that I’m fighting so hard to keep secure?  What is it that I’m so afraid of losing?  Because in all honesty… this safety zone has prevented me from gaining anything worth losing.

Up until Sunday, I had convinced myself that at 31, it was too late for me to redefine my goals; to change directions.  But now I understand that we have a choice in how we live our life.  So I asked myself… how bad do you want change?  Do you want it bad enough to go against your fears?  To abandon your comfort zone?  Are you willing to light a fire under yourself?  I said YES! Yes to myself.  And then I did it.  I quit my job.  Just my second one :).

I know it will be a financial struggle.  But trading my happiness for a paycheck has been a struggle of its own.  As much as I love Chicago, it has become an expensive obligation rather than a pleasure.  So next year, when my main job comes to an end, I’m doing something that I should have done on July 14, 2015 – relocating.  And seeing how some of my personal belongings and furniture was lost to Karma the week prior, I already have a head start with packing lol.

Even though this may seem like a small step, its the small wins that add up to the big ones.  I now have the time to start planning my relocation.  Sometimes you have to shut out everyone else when trying to figure out what works for you.  Instead of focusing on what other people are doing, let your own feelings, revelations and experiences navigate you.  Just like a spiders web, the life we construct can either serve us or enslave us.  I’m choosing to break the construct that’s enslaved me.  I’m setting myself up for a fresh start!

Nosy Josie  JE8

ps: yes…I added another mug to the collection lol