10:07 am ][ new years resolution complete.

Last night was epic.  For the first time in my adult life, I embraced my natural hair…IN PUBLIC! Surrounded by friends and good lighting, I sashayed my way into The Rustic Goat, a popular eatery and lounge in St.Louis – my hometown.  Attempting to confront my fears in Chicago would have undoubtedly proven unsuccessful as I lacked all of the essentials for my journey: friendship mixed with a side of familiarity.  There was something about being in the comforts of my hometown that cradled me; providing a gentle and necessary nudge against my back.

Walking into the dimly lit lounge, I felt the one emotion that I had least expected to feel in the moment…liberated.  I had done it.  I had conquered my greatest fear!   No other New Years resolution could ever provide me with the same amount of joy that this moment did.  Much to my surprise, the lack of male attention was of no concern to me.  How I compared to other women in the building…no concern to me.  This moment was about me.

As I walked around the room, I felt as if I was walking in new skin.  My body struggled to adjust to itself and I couldn’t help but to giggle at my awkwardness.

Only days earlier, I had crept my way back into a neighborhood beauty supply like an addict.  Once again, deliberating between whether or not to succumb to the pressures of my vanity.

“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Lines from William Shakespeare’s, Hamlet nagged at me while browsing.  Although death was the furthest thing from my mind, the root of Hamlet’s struggle I understood:

to suffer life, passively?  or to actively seek to end one’s suffering? 

For years I hid behind hair extensions; not because I wanted to enhance my natural look but because I wanted to escape from it.  Sure, I felt much more confident on the outside but the internal conflict I faced was another story.  Choosing to exist this way meant denying who I was and most days, I hated it.

I paced the aisles of the beauty supply with my lips puckered.  Like Hamlet, I had a decision to make.  I could continue suffering life by hiding behind a lie and insecurity…or I could actively seek to end my suffering altogether by declaring war on the lack of self-love that afflicted me.  I think its safe to say that Hamlet’s moral conflict was a tad bit more serious in nature…but who’s comparing :).

The struggle with self-love and self-acceptance isn’t my own.  I’m not the only one who wakes up in the morning with a personal vendetta against my natural hair or my muffin top.  Be it an argumentative disposition, an aversion to love or a resistance to forgiveness…we all face some sort of conflict with self.  It may be a lifetime before you ever conquer your self-conflicts…but the effort that you put into yourself is worth way more than what you accomplish from doing so.

With the amount of energy that you expense into everyone else that enters (and exits) your life, how much are you putting back into you?  How much are you worth?

This won’t be the last time that I wear hair-extensions.  But I can finally say with truth that it will never again be out of a lack of love for my natural self.  Last night I laughed.  I laughed and danced – not with my curly fro but because of my curly fro.

And for the first time in my natural state, I looked forward to being a black girl in the morning.

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Nosie Josie  JE18