10:05 am ][ i thought he ruined me.

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Inspired by sis Kelley re-blogging Scars are Diamonds.   

I remember struggling with my collarbone lump for quite some time after my car accident.  I would lift my left hand and gently cup its palm over the knot.  Not once, not twice, but three or four times a day.  I hated it.  I hated it for ruining the way my gold necklace would gracefully fall against my once dainty neckline.  I hated it for interrupting my conversations with uncomfortable downward glances.  And although I never confidently rocked a strapless top or dress, I hated it for robbing me of that too.

Heck, I had plans for that little black dress in the back of my closet!

I contemplated surgery.  But the thought of hardware irritation from the pins, plates or screws installed into my body made me fearful.  I  decided against the surgery and opted instead for a permanent “shoulder tent”…the clever nickname assigned to broken clavicles by numerous websites.

For the next year, my hand made contact with my neckline more times than ever before.  I would push down on my lump slightly; hoping that it would magically snap back into place.  I practiced arching my shoulders and neck in the mirror for hours; hoping to find the perfect positioning to disguise the hideous thing.  Whenever I thought myself successful, a friendly face would pop up and remind me that I was sadly mistaken.

“What’s wrong with your neck?”

…people would ask me with their heads cocked dramatically to the side.  Or my favorite

“Oooh!  I’m a nurse. That’s a broken clavicle isn’t it?!”

…as if a game of jeopardy.  I didn’t know what hurt more: the superficial cosmetic losses that accompanied my new lump or the absence of the man responsible for it.

The events that took place that night, both prior to and during the accident led me to believe that his feelings might match my own.  The panic in his bloody face as he peered down at me from the drivers seat.  The anxiety in his voice while asking me repeatedly if I was okay.  The pet names he spoke unconsciously as strangers helped me out of the totaled car.  The sweet messages we relayed to each other from our hospital beds.  For a moment, I was sure that he cared.  But the events that took place after the accident convinced me otherwise.  And although he would utter those heavy three words while leaning against my bedroom door months later, he wouldn’t mean them.

But the man who took his place during my recovery, did care.

With every question about my collarbone, I was reminded of him.  With every physical therapy session, I was reminded of him.  With each medical bill dropped into my mailbox, I was reminded of him.  And eventually, every kiss to my neckline would remind me of him.

The struggle of getting over someone with such a physical reminder of them attached to your body is insane.  Mix that with a lack of self love, a confidence deficiency and an obsession with love…and you have a recipe for disaster.

I thought I would never stop touching my neck, just like I never thought I would stop caring for him.  But as the years went by, I hardly noticed my lump.  Just as I hardly noticed his absence.

Scars heal.  And although remnants and memories of their formation might remain…the pain doesn’t have to.  Don’t let someone’s negative impression on you last longer longer than their presence.  Learn from your accidents and grow from them.  And the next time someone asks “what happened,”  proudly let them know “I survived.”

Nosie Josie heart JE20

About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

25 Comments on 10:05 am ][ i thought he ruined me.

  1. I LOVE this, Josie!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Woooow! I can feel your heart and soul in this one Josie. This is so powerful. The pain of an accident and then the pain of loss from someone who promised (probably) to never hurt you. Love it. Love the message.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Don’t let someone’s negative impression on you last longer longer than their presence. Learn from your accidents and grow from them. And the next time someone asks “what happened,” proudly let them know “I survived.””

    Damn, that was fire. I like that. This was very heartfelt. You did a great job telling the story and holding the reader and suspense. Excellent piece and message!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah! I love this! That last sentence!! YES! Beautiful

    My sister had surgery on an enlarged thyroid on her neck today. She is worried about a scar too and I’m like giiiiiirl! Scars are special. They tell a story and make you.. you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tareau Barron // April 6, 2017 at 11:49 pm // Reply

    My fav part:
    I didn’t know what hurt more: the superficial cosmetic losses that accompanied my new lump or the absence of the man responsible for it.

    To me this is the most powerful line in this post. I keep reading it over and over. Very vivid and memorable

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, really. That means a lot as it was one of the most real thoughts during this particular time of my life. It was hard battling physical and emotional pain at the same time. One of the strongest battles I was ever faced with. BUT we be overcoming some stuff, don’t we? :)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. tunisiajolyn84 // April 9, 2017 at 9:36 pm // Reply

    Love this and the empowering message. I’m glad you were able to move past that hurt and be free from its residue and recognize the lesson within the whole experience. A beautiful thing to witness when you gain clarity, even if it stings every once in awhile. Although my experience is different from yours, I definitely relate to people noticing something near my neck with my tracheostomy that I got when I was a baby. I usually find amusement with people’s looks but you know what’s funny? I never looked at my experiences as a baby as traumatic but I’m starting to realize (since I’m taking a trauma-informed class for work) that it was probably pretty damn traumatic and maybe subconsciously when someone notices my scar or my indentation, there’s a slight reminder of what happened to me that comes to the forefront without me even realizing it. I just started the class but I look forward to exploring this area in hopes to find some untapped places of needed healing so that I can be like you, and proudly say “I survived” with extra amusement on my face.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes sis! I love that you’re taking this class. You’ll have to blog about it for us too. Side note – once I’m through with these 14 hour work shifts, I’m going to be meditating on your blog lol. It’s literally a tab open on my computer for your reader.

      I am curious to see how you view your traumatic experience after the class. How do you feel about it changing your outlook from a peaceful one to one that might need healing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • tunisiajolyn84 // April 20, 2017 at 4:45 pm // Reply

        Lol at you meditating on my blog. Girl, I can relate. You know I come on your blog in waves cause I am still learning how to balance everything. Let’s just say right now, I have this face: 😳 lol As far as the trauma stuff, I may end up writing about it for my blog. It’s weird cause I am kinda excited to understand more about why I am the way I am. I just find psychology and the human condition interesting so this trauma class is right up my alley. And even when looking at myself, I get a little happy about diving deeper and learning new things about me and my quirky ways. Now to heal? well that’s another journey. I’m hoping the class will help woth that.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think it would be a GREAT idea to write about the trauma on your blog. As well as the methods you’re learning in the class to help you cope with and confront the trauma. Maybe even make it a series, you know?

          Liked by 1 person

        • tunisiajolyn84 // April 21, 2017 at 7:31 am //

          Hmm doesn’t sound like a bad idea… I think I’ll wait until i’m on the otherside before posting about it but I may write along the way.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Whats funny is that I read your post about the trauma AFTER suggesting that you write about it lol. I will sit and wait patiently for that series!

          Liked by 1 person

  7. I keep telling you how good of a writer that you are. You be having me drawn in. Leaning towards the screen wondering how and where the story is going to go.

    Liked by 2 people

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