5:19pm ][ before its too late.

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I have never been an easy person to love.  Behind my bright smile is a recuperating heart with loaded emotions, fear of abandonment, and a flair for the dramatic.  I don’t do well with inconsistency.  One break from routine with a friend or lover and I panic.  Will this be the beginning of the end for us?  I’m not proud to own that truth.  But  after watching so many faces come and go in one lifetime, its hard not to have friendships that coexist in fear. 

But I try.  And ever so often, I meet someone who makes my effort seem worthwhile.  Someone who makes the anxiety feel foreign.  Someone who reminds me that even if not effortlessly, I can be loved.

In 2013, I met someone who accepted me in my rawest form.  He took my sassy tongue and placed sweet words of understanding on it.  For him, I wasn’t too much.  He had a lot of … experience with the streets and had dealt with much worse.  He returned my sass with some of his own.  I was elated to learn that I wasn’t a lost cause. If someone hung around long enough, my walls would crumble and my shoulders would relax.  I let his friendship in, slowly but surely.  And over time, he proved his loyalty.

After a terrible car accident and broken clavicle, I was unable to move my body much.  I couldn’t drive nor use the restroom on my own.  I was somewhat of a mess.  My mom raced up from St.Louis to care for me but could only stay for a short time. To add to our stress, I had just moved into my apartment earlier that week and had no furniture (bed or couch).  Needless to say, I was hardly prepared to sleep on the hardwood floor with my injury.

Much to my surprise, this friend of mine stayed overnight(s) to support me – literally.  Each night, he held my body up against his as we slept Indian-style against the living room wall.  Propped up with nothing but an overstuffed trash bag of clean clothes, I fell asleep against his chest.  I loved the conversations we would have before I drifted off to sleep.  But every few hours, I would wake up in excruciating pain – throwing up what little I had consumed for food.  Without one complaint, my friend would get up from his sleep, grab a towel and help clean me up.

We lost touch over time – popping in and out of each others life to say hello and for an occasional argument or two :).  Today I learned of his death.  He was shot in the head this August and died shortly after being rushed to the hospital.  My eyes feel heavy from all of the tears I’ve shed in his memory.  I knew him as someone who deserved better than a senseless, brutal death.  But obviously there were others who knew him differently.

Its amazing how someone can be a certain way with you and yet completely different with someone else.  How could someone so loving, draw so much anger from another person?  His death has made me question my impact on others and the memory that I’ll leave them with.  I don’t want anyone to carry the burden of wishing they could have said thank you or I love you to me when I’m no longer here.  And I don’t want to wait until its too late to reflect on someone’s impact in my life.  I want more than anything to embrace all of my close friends right now and tell them I appreciate them.  That includes my nosies :).

Find those people who have made a difference in your life – small or large – and let them know that they matter, while you still can.

Nosy Josie heart JE13

via Daily Prompt Realize

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About nosy josie (88 Articles)
Josie is an aspiring writer living in Chicago Illinois, inspiring self-love through her own tragicomic life journey. Follow Josie as she details her collection of dating fails, life lessons and heart-to-heart confessions with her nosy readers.

45 Comments on 5:19pm ][ before its too late.

  1. It is a very touching story. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw my heart breaks! I was thinking I would tell you two to get married and then, ugh! So sorry for your loss. I hope you can find solace in the memories you made with him. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, right.. I should have explored that journey but his lifestyle wasn’t the safest (as we now know). Thank you for your condolences and I feel so peaceful in my memories with him. Thank goodness.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i’m sorry for your lost dear but this is very touching…it really breaks my heart! I’ve got goosebumps while reading and a very inspiring story… :)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very heartfelt. Thank you so much for sharing. You never think about death, until death comes knocking on your door some way some how. I couldn’t wait for 2015 ( three deaths of loved ones close to me) to end and 2016 to begin. Now that 2016 is almost over, I am making a list of my wishes. For example, I want to be buried with all my jewelry. Make your feelings known, yes! I agree. My condolences to you, my friend. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh, I’m sorry about your losses last year as well. I will be honest – I was as bit fearful when hearing about his death because usually they are rumored to come in three’s. I’m fearful of losing others now. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who thinks about those things (my “passing” wishes). Are your wishes too personal to share?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t be fearful. Be forceful! Proactive instead of reactive. That’s what I’m trying to do. For example, I want to be buried with all my jewelry near&dear to my heart, I want to be buried in a white casket (because I think it looks classy) and I want to have on my favorite red pair of high heel shoes Lolol Because I do love fashion, I want my clothes and shoes to be donated to charity, I want my favorite song, My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder played at my funeral and because I like bright colors I want everyone to wear bright colors, no black, for I want everyone to celebrate my life, remember the good times and smile (through their tears). I even went to a few people and asked them to keep certain family, friends and foes away from those I love the most. The say “blood is thicker than water ” , but I say shedding blood hurts. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I lost contact with my dad in my teens. I reconnected with him six years ago. Sadly, my mom (and her side of my family ) didn’t know about our reunion, nor about his passing. My relationship with my dad was my just that. Mine. And I didn’t /don’t want them to steal my joy. So, I choose my life, my loves and my happiness over blood. I say the same to you. Hold on to the love, the good and the laughter, okay ?Hang in there, my friend. Hang in there!

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      • Josie-girl,
        Just checkin’ on you. How are you doing ?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hey pumpkin, I’m okay. Feeling more like myself. In many ways. Thank you for checking on me πŸ˜™. Funny how some of my closest peeps haven’t even done that πŸ€”. How are you? I finally had a hot chocolate with art and thought about you lol.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Lol Aaaaaaahhhh! We will forever be united with hot chocolate!πŸ˜‰
          Don’t be so sad with your peeps. Situations like this make people go extreme left and “give you space” or “time alone.” Then, there are those who go extreme right with being uncomfortably showering you with their attention. Someone close to me always says ” That’s why there’s voicemail.” πŸ˜‚ I’m okay as well. My dad’s one year passing was recently, so I have been thinking about him a lot. He loved candy and with candy season in full bloom now, I am enjoying that bond we had over chocolate!! πŸ˜ƒ How’s your wishes list coming along?

          Liked by 1 person

        • ahhh I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I don’t now if you know fellow blogger, Nicole Cherise but her dad’s passing was last year around this time as well. I can’t imagine how much you miss him. I know where you got your sweet tooth from though lol :). As for my list – so far I’ve decided I want to have a video made of moments I’ve recorded of me (solo and with other people). I want a very cliche song to be played – Missing You (from Set it Off). I want to be buried with my promise ring. Hows yours?

          Liked by 1 person

        • I do not know fellow blogger Nicole. However, I will reach out to her and offer my condolences. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I do miss my dad! ESPECIALLY since I just reconnected with him six years ago. I actually have sweet teeth ( not just one tooth), thanks daddy!πŸ˜‰ lol
          I do love sweets!! A video sounds nice. And Set It Off movie was a gooooooood movie. I can already see the waterfall of tears from your guests. A beautiful moment! I have thought of a video for my last will and testament. At my service, I think I want poetry. I’ve always liked poetry, it’s so touching, so moving. So, I think I want it there. Glad to hear you’re feeling better. Hugs!

          Liked by 1 person

        • Wellllllll you KNOW you can start publishing poetry on your blog :) -hugzzzzzzzz-

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow that is such a deep situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so beautiful & tragic… Thank you for sharing.

    Please know that, even in my absence, I love you <3

    (I might even help you cleanup vomit… Maybe lol}

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Eboni Katrice // October 10, 2016 at 12:52 pm // Reply

    This is so beautiful and so sad. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh, Josie. :( My heart breaks for you.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You brought me way up in the beginning of this story. I have had friendships like that and it reminded me of them. Then you completely flipped the script with the part about the hearing of his death. For some reason I bypassed or didn’t register the title of this and thought it was going to be a good ending love story for you and him. I’m sorry to hear of his passing. I pray that you cherish the good times you two had. There is probably a few relationships that I need to mend before it’s too late. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate your condolences and wishes for his memory! I definitely have been thinking of the good times and apologizing silently for the bad ones. I haven’t had to deal with death in a long time so its been really weird for me. Wondering if he had positive or negative thoughts of me before he passed. Stupid stuff like that. You definitely should work to mend those friendships so that you don’t end up doing the same. As for your friendships that the intro reminded you of – is it still like that for you? Or have you found a solution that you could share? lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • As for the friend I had that type of relationship with (my boys would crucify me for saying this publicly, because they thought she is the one I should’ve married), we are still cool, but it could never be the same; she is now married. So I have no solution lol. I guess we gotta learn to treat everybody like it’s the last time we may see them. As for your friend, I’m sure he had positive thoughts of you. And probably missed you more than you knew. It’s hard for us men to say certain things. Our egos and pride way heavy on us.

        Liked by 1 person

        • :) reading that made me feel at ease. I hope that was the case. BUT man oh man – if I knew the secret to getting a man to put his pride and ego aside, I would be the happiest woman alive lol. I have to know – what made your guys think she was the one for you. And if she were to separate from her current husband, would you give things a try with her? Oh! And before I forget. I saw some of the film “13” on netflix and thought about you. Have you been able to check it out?

          Liked by 1 person

        • Lol I hate to say it but I think that the secret is buried deep within most men’s hearts. Only way that I think we let our guard or ego down is with age and realizing all of the good people we may have lost throughout the years.
          As for my boys and thinking that my friend was the one for me, we did everything together. All the way down to me pushing strollers of her baby cousins around the mall. Lol my boys would say that she was grooming me to be a husband. I don’t know if I would try to be in a romantic relationship with her, but I do miss the way things used to be.
          I literally just woke up to a text from my best friend who said that the film “13” on netflix is pretty good. I’m going to have to check that out. Thank you!

          Like

        • Ugh the age old “time” approach. I feel like that’s the solution to everything lol. But it does make a lot of sense. The things I would have done differently in my life if I realized that time was the only way to get some of the results from people that I wanted. Your friend does sound like she was pretty fun and possibly grooming you lol. I guarantee you that she was enjoying playing “house” with you and her baby cousin. And YES check it out. I’m watching it this weekend!

          Like

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I was rooting for you guys in the beginning of the story. I understand that he may have been someone different to someone else but I pray that you hold on to your memories that you have of him during the time you spent with him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much <3. We were definitely friends more than anything (thank goodness or else this would have hurt more). I am holding on super tight to those memories and I will do so as long as I can! :*

      Like

  11. I’m sorry that you lost a friend. What’s important is what he meant to you regardless of how anyone else viewed him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. And yeah, you’re right. It kind of gives me a wake up call that not everyone will love me but that doesn’t mean I can’t make an impact in the life of others. Can’t win over everyone…but everyone I win over matters just the same!

      Like

  12. Touching stuff! but so true we need to tell and show people who love us that we appreciate them at all times

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Sorry for your loss. Great post! I agree : life is short and we should be as forthcoming about our emotions as possible

    Liked by 1 person

    • Man oh man, yes we do. All of the resentment and anger that we have toward some people is such a waste of energy and time. Whenever we lose someone, I realize how death is the one thing that is completely out of our control. You can’t revoke or reverse it so that you can right your wrongs. Or so that you can have that “moment” you never got to have. Its real…life is literally the biggest thing that we minimize.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Oh god, Jocelyn…thats so sad. πŸ˜” I’m so sorry. I’m gonna tell you one more time, I appreciate you.

    Liked by 1 person

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. 10:05 pm ][ i thought he ruined me. – mind JO business
  2. 11:49 pm][ under the influence. – mind JO business

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